Operation Clambake present: National Lampoon - Diarrhetics (page 3)

Elron went on to eclipse that precocious success with his science fiction octology, Big Daddy of the Naughty Planets.

Undeniably the greatest achievement in a prolific life was the creation of the philosophy and research that we now call Diarrhetics [TM]. Since its introduction in the 1950s, people have been changed by the millions.

Despite reports of Elron's death in the mid-1980s, we assure you that Elron is alive and well and simply conducting his long-promised "Walking Tour of the Forbidden Zone," and will return to us next year, with all his new data and body odor, in the form of a dung beetle.

Is there a "them"?

Yes. They are right behind you. Don't look! Why don't you hide over here in our Closetenviron[TM]?

Have I ever lived other lives?

Yes. In the past you were an insignificant speck of dust.

Why am I so fat?

Because you eat too fucking much.

Is money the root of all evil?

Only if you hold onto it for too long. Money should be earned in large quantities and quickly given to us for holding and disarmament in our Piggybank[TM].

What about Negroes?

We have some former Negroes, but the process of reaching the Nirvana-like state of Empty[TM] has made them white.

A rather frightening 'Auditor' in a mask weilding a club

If you have any questions about where you stand, our Auditors[TM] will be more than happy to have a look at your books, and maybe even ransack your attic for old baseball cards.


John Travolta:


Shit-faced Revolting when he was younger and poorer. - (AP/Wide World)

Okay, so, like...all my success ten years ago really put my head, umm, like, put pressures in my head. My mind. No, my head, I mean head. Right? But Diarrhetics[TM] and purgin' my way to Empty[TM] made me more good. It has also, like, really helped with my career decisions lately too.

Karen Black:


A stoned-looking Karen with tired eyes. - (AP/Wide World)

Is it me? My...my turn? Is this on? Oh dear, look, my hives have come back! Haaaa-haaaa! A-ha-ha-ha, hoo, ohh, ah, boo-hoo, boo-hoo!

Chick Corea:

Jazz Musician

Photo of, you guessed it, Chick Corea. - (AP/Wide World)

Reaching a state of Empty[TM] taught me a lot of things, things about myself. I realize now that I was imposing my own limit on how pretentious I could be. Now I see self-indulgent pretension as a bottomless well where I will never find a bottom.

Will I die?

Nooooo. Not if you're paid up. But please remember, there is a cutoff point:

(Based on twenty years of donation)

Superior Enlightened Olympian - $3,000,000

Ralph Kramdenhood -
$2,000,000       } THE IMMORTAL

Angel - $1,000,000


Scumbucket - $900,000

Minionslut -
$125,000        } THE DEADBEAT

Droogworm - $85,000

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