Operation Clambake present: National Lampoon - Diarrhetics (page 5)

Here Comes the Vagina Monsters

Space Ranger Joe and the Black Hole

Outlaws of the Lubrizone

Explore Me!

Special set price: $123,678.00


General Interest:

Diarrhetics[TM] Cruise! Sail the beautiful shores of Lake Erie as you meet great people and dance to the music of Chick Corea and his Casio organ! We'll fill you up all night and Empty[TM] you by day. Per person: $556,789.00 7 days / 2 nights.

Home C-Meter[TM] Kit: Bring this outrageous technology to you own home. You'll be amazed at the things you hear!

Equipment: $890,000.00

Malpractice coverage: $1,000,000.00

Appropriate toilet paper

We offer you more than your foot in the door with this incredible technosense; we'll teach you how to get them pinioned under your leather boots! Sell their own house back to them!

Suggested donation rate: $34,000.00

CEO Top Hat Survival Weekend

Get back to the primitive instinct with this incredible course! We drop twenty top corporate leaders on a forgotten island with a flint, a compass, and a simple bludgeon. Then we tell them where the top hat filled with stocks, bonds, and beaver pelts is hidden. The rest is a nonstop melee for bragging rights and the honor of wearing the big top hat! Find out if you've got what it takes.

Suggested donation rate: $45,000.00

Requirements: Must be certified CEO of Fortune 500 Corporation, must have doctor's approval, and must have Diarrhetic[TM] - approved will.

Business / Administration Technofoolery!!!

Here it is, the result of Elron Hubbard's in-depth study of how to achieve big, huge, GAIN STATUS in your business life! A must for anyone out to make money off other people's time and energy, this technofoolery comes in three basic courses:

Elron Hubbard's Secret of the Twenty-nine-hour Day

For the middle-management-level executive with a lot of stupid, unmotivated people under him. Learn how to keep them fired up all day with new data on Clockslowing[TM], Hypnopersuasion[TM], and Paystubmagic[TM]. It's true! You can have the lazy slugs humping their lives away for the "cause," and no one will be the wiser! Suggested donation rate: $8,980.00

Winning Sales Attack!

More people work in sales than in any other free-world occupation, and yet most salesmen lack the secrets to unlocking the pleasure center in the minds of the average Outsiderchaosmonger[TM]!


Give Us Your Friends

Humans, doomed to wander the earth in a haze of ignorance and with dark wax collecting in their ears; the glory of man's potential reduced to the breath/eat/copulate Flyingdutchmanloopcycle[TM], one pathetic step removed from an otter....

A passage from science fiction? Sadly, no. These are the words Elron Hubbard wrote to describe your friends who are not a part of the miracle we call Diarrhetics[TM]. In his landmark essay The Ethics of Feeling Superior to Everyone ($78.95), Elron has given you the Technosense[TM] to implant powerful Herdingstrategies[TM] in the people you love. Come on! Be a Turdlink[TM] and take control of anyone who has anything you want!

The mission of Diarrhetics[TM] is to survive, and survival, as Elron has generously explained to us, means never having to say you're sorry. As an egg needs its seed to come to life, so do we need your friends, family, and coworkeers. Live up to the vows we beat into you when you came to us in the form of being one step removed from an otter! Bring us fresh meat, and, if possible, make sure they can pay.

A Glossary of Terms

Structurstem: A unit of logic, a line of thought, or an idea cluster roughly the size of Montana.

Healthstatform: The collected data evaluation determining an individual's degree of gullibility and confusion.

Droogworm: The initial classification for an individual taking his first steps toward health and purgation.

Judgmentationalized: A healing technique involving the ridicule and stomping of a subject's small toes.

Superior Enlightened Olympian: Simply put: the cat's ass. A mentally, physically, and ethically superior being. Rather like Bill Bixby or June Lockhart.

Personhoodism: That funny feeling you get when the phone is finally quiet, the bills are all paid, Bach is tinkling out of your stereo, and there are a thousand earwigs swarming up your calves.

Liquidassets: Cash on the barrelhead, baby.

Outsiderchaosmonger: Anyone who has not been exposed to the miracle of Diarrhetics[TM]. These subhuman warts are helped best when captured violently, tranquilized, pinioned onto unfinished wood beams, and then entertained by the music of Chick Corea.

Spongeminister: A sanctioned and fully qualified therapist / accountant.

Technofoolery: Look over there! Did you see it?...What, No, I have always worn a mustache....Look at that! Did you see it?... What? Mustache? What are you talking about?...

Minionslut: A talented counselor who assists high officials in the critical Satyrpurge breakdown.

Ralph Kramdenhood: A special order of enlightened members who happen to be amorphic lumps of steaming, moist flesh; often mistaken for large heaps of mashed potatoes. It is important to look closely - under those folds lives a small lump of coals, just like you or me.

The Forbidden Zone: Well, we can't tell you too much, but it looks like a Laundromat and Truman Capote wants to have a chat.

Technosense: This is a word that means whatever we want it to mean.

Turdlink: A personhoodite who has learned to be comfortable living a life that imposes pain and emotional blackmail on those who really love him or her. A real go-getter!

Herdingstrategies: Getting Outsiderchaosmongers to do what you want.

Cash: A very dangerous property that we don't fully understand yet. If cash should enter your life, be very careful and send it to our laboratories for further study.

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