Among the Clams
An Afternoon with Scientologists
Doing it more for personal amusement. |
I visited the Ottawa Church of Scientology today with a couple of friends, and now I am trying to put the experience in words. This is not an easy task - I have little in my experience which approaches the degree of irrationality that I encountered today. Half-crazed Fundamentalist Christian street preachers look like paragons of rational and intelligent thought in comparison. It was like being inside a bad Saturday Night Live sketch that just went on and on and on, with no punchline in sight. Nevertheless, I will attempt to relate my experiences and hope for the best, and pray that the reader does not casually assume that nothing this ridiculous could be for real. One of my friends (Craig) was doing a research paper for an English class on the Church of Scientology. The visit was part of his research. Me and my other friend (Michael) were doing it more for personal amusement then anything else. Michael, being of religious bent, also finds the use of religious trappings to con money out of the stupid and the gullible to be thoroughly offensive, and I can not say that I find practice to me morally acceptable either. |
We came prepared. |
We came prepared. A few days earlier I tracked down a copy of OTIII (Operating Thetan level III - part of the Scientologists' secret writings not available to the general public - at least not without spending 30 minutes looking for a pirate copy on the Internet - use one of the major Web browsers and look for "Operation Clambake" ), in L.Ron Hubbard's (founder of the Church of Scientology) own handwriting, on the Internet, in graphics form. According to that document, our spirits were placed inside volcanoes 75,000,000 years ago and had hydrogen bombs dropped on them. This was done by the Head of the Galactic Confederation whose name was Xenu. This was done in order to "implant" us with "engrams" that robbed us of our true potential. The Church of Scientology was never clear on whether this information is for real, or whether someone was making it up to make them look stupid. Publicly, high-profile members of the Church of Scientology such as John Travolta denied knowing anything about it. On the other hand, those distributing the OTIII (and other secret scriptures) were sued for copyright and trade secret violations by the Church of Scientology or one of their affiliates. I leave it to the reader to decide whether the "being nuked in volcanoes by Head of Galactic Federation Xenu" is part of the beliefs of the Church of Scientology or not. Further, I leave it to the reader to decide whether or not this is simply the most ridiculous thing that they ever heard. |
The first encountered with CoS |
Michael tracked down a copy of NOTs - "New Era Dianetics for Operating
Thetans" - another set of secret Scientology Scriptures, more incoherent
then kooky, although certainly not lacking on the kookiness front.
Further, he tracked down a copy of the Scientologists' "Oxford Capacity
Analysis Test" (OCA), together with the right answers. All this we brought with
us when we met at the Coffee Revolution - which offers an excellent
combination of second best coffee in Ottawa with high enough background
noise that private conversation is possible. Unfortunately the best
coffee shop in Ottawa can get as quiet as a grave.
We met at 1 pm, and proceeded to go over the Oxford Capacity Test questions
and answers.
I need to digress at this point and relate my previous experiences with the
Church of Scientology. It will explain my interest, as well as my
distaste for this organization.
I first encountered them in the summer of 1989, in Toronto. I was taking a
stroll down Yonge Street late one fine Saturday afternoon - which took me
past the Scientology building. As I walked past, a nice young lady asked
me if I was interested in taking a free personality test. Having nothing
better to do, I said "Sure," and followed her inside. There I was handed
the "Oxford Capacity Analysis Test" - which I proceeded to take. Then the
lady proceeded to go away to mark it, while I browsed through the
miscellaneous literature lying in profusion in the area. It looked like
bad pop psychology, branching out into bad philosophy as well. According
to one passage that I read, Socrates had a demon that told him what to do.
This was apparently a problem. The only problem that I could see is that
this was utter nonsense.
|
According to her, my life was a mess. |
Eventually the nice young lady came back with the results and I joined her
in her cubicle, and she proceeded to explain the results of the test to
her. According to her, my life was a mess. Now I was not about to argue
with that. I was going through probably the worst mental, physical and
spiritual phase in my life, and was to some extent aware of it. However,
total and utter braindeath was no one of my problems. She told me that I
could be helped by taking a "Communications" course, for $250 (I think - I
do not recall the precise figure). I asked her what the course entailed
and she did not go into great detail. She merely said that I should give
it a try. I countered by saying that there are many different people
selling different remedies for personal problems - I would need to know
more before giving my money to anyone.
She responded by pointing to one of the dots on the test result, and said
"Well, this is just like your test shows - you can not trust anyone". The
conversation continued along these lines. When I expressed my low opinion
of their literatures' grasp of Socratic philosophy, she pointed to another
score and said "See, this is like what your test shows - you are
critical of everything". The conversation continued in this vein, until
she just told me that I can not be helped - rather rudely I might add. I
wished her a good evening and left. The entire episode was rather odd, but
I thought little of it - I heard that Scientology was some sort of weirdo
cult, and this confirmed this opinion. On the other hand I casually
assumed that they are harmless - after all its a free country and if people
want to turn bad pop psychology into a religion, its their right. I knew
little about the actual weirdness that they believed in, but this encounter
left me with the conviction that whatever it is, it must be fairly silly.
|
Trying to score as low as possible. |
Scientology was absent from my mind until the Time magazine article in
1991, which had a great many bad things to say about the Church of
Scientology. This article reminded me of the above encounter, and I
related it to my friend Michael. We discussed the personality test, and I
made a guess about the nature of the "right" answers - they would have to
be the sort of answers given by people who are stupid, extroverted,
cheerful and simply have no clue. Eventually we decided to visit the
Ottawa Church of Scientology.
We decided to use my formula for correct answers - with him trying to score
as low as possible, and with me trying to score as high as possible. We
did so, and although our guesses were imperfect, we largely got the results
we wanted. A good personality test should not have been that easy to hack,
but the Scientology Oxford Capacity Analysis Test is not a good personality
test. We were then taken into separate small offices to discuss the
results of our tests.
The gentleman dealing with me looked at my results and said that they are
pretty good, that I have no major problems with my life although of course
I have some. However, a lot of people had serious problems with their life
and their mental health, and of course I could help them - and to better be
able to do that I had to take their Communications course - for which I had
to pay, of course.
|
Michael came across an extensive collection of information. |
In the meantime Michael was being told that his problems - which were large
in number - could be solved by taking the Communications course. I will
leave it as an exercise to the reader to determine if there is a pattern
here, and if so, what the nature of that pattern is.
We thanked the Scientologists politely, told them we would think about it
and left. For several more years Scientology and Dianetics entered my mind
only on brief and rare occasions. This changed a few months ago when
Michael came across an extensive collection of information about
Scientology and Dianetics on the Internet - much of it very unflattering.
Not only did it accuse them of being essentially a money-grubbing
operation, but also of various unsavory activities from frivolous lawsuits
directed at their opponents to harassment of their opponents and even
murder. The information came from a large number of sources - including
mainstream press - all of which seemed to agree on major details. The
information on Scientology's website created more questions then it answered.
The rather silly OTIII course was the same regardless of source - and one
of the sources, Dennis Erlich, was being sued by the Church of Scientology
for copyright and trademark violations for distributing it. My own
research on the Internet lead me to further my conclusion that at best
Scientology involves beliefs in utterly ridiculous things and giving the
Church lots of money and at worst it is a dangerous and criminal
organization.
|
Meeting at the Coffee Revolution. |
Several months passed as I did more reading on the subject of Scientology.
Nothing that I encountered provided any cause to improve my opinion of it.
One day I described Scientology to Craig, who, upon hearing the name "Xenu"
thought that this must be a joke. I recommended to him that he takes a
look at the Scientology web site if he thinks that my description of them
is unbelievably ridiculous. This he proceeded to do - and this developed
into more then merely casual interest. Soon he was writing a research
paper for his English class on the subject of Scientology. Of course, a
first hand account would not hurt - hence our trip to the local Scientology
org.
I return now to our 1pm meeting at the Coffee Revolution, a minute walk
away from the Church of Scientology.
We went over the answers and questions to the Oxford Capacity Test, and
discussed, in general terms, our strategy. Having done so, and having
seriously caffeinated ourselves, we proceeded to the Church. In front was
a lady offering a free film - we did not even get to tell her that we were
there to take the personality test. We followed her to a small movie
theatre, where the three of use were shown the first film - "Problems of
Life".
|
The best mad scientists laughs. |
The film featured a couple that were overcome with problems in their life.
The film never provided any specific information about the precise nature
of their problems - it seemed that despite working hard they never seemed
to get ahead, but no more detail was provided. They proceeded to go
around asking different people "How do we handle life?"
First they went to their college career counselor, whom they apparently
regarded as extremely wise. The counselor, looking extremely wise, looked
over his reading glasses and solemnly told them that "You just have to
handle life". "How do we do that?" the whiney couple asked. In response
the professor looked very sheepish and said nothing.
Next they went to a biologist - apparently a friend of theirs. His
solution to handling life was to put it in a test-tube and throw in some
chemicals to kill it - he proceeded to do just that, with what presumably
was a bacterial culture, on camera by way of explanation. He then
proceeded to laugh and cackle in the best 1950s horror flick mad scientist
fashion. Indeed, this was one of the best mad scientists laughs I have
heard for a long time.
Their next stop - although I hope that my reader forgives me if I get some
detail out of its proper sequence - was a civil engineer. His solution to
handling life - in this case a lone tree left in what was to become a
subdivision - for now a mess of dirt, rocks and bulldozers, was to blow it
up and laugh maniacally (a popular theme in the film).
|
Stabbing a mouse with a hunting knife. |
Next they proceeded to visit a psychologist, but on the way there had an
encounter with a police officer who told them not to cross the street on
the red light. They proceeded to ask him how to handle life. His solution
- hit it with a nightstick, and if that does not work, shoot it, followed
by maniacal laughter. Perhaps he was a mad scientist before he became an
actor. The policeman would not be out of place in any of the "Police
Academy" movies - but this film was not intended as a comedy.
The film at this point had the feel of a comedy sketch took a very long
time getting to the punch line.
Finally the hapless couple made it to the Institute of Psychology, where a
man in white was dragging a straight-jacketed screaming woman inside.
Eventually they made it to the office of a bearded psychologist who spoke
with what was presumably supposed to be a German accent. In it he was
busy with trying to get a mouse to run through a maze. He used a largish
serrated hunting knife to prod it along.
Apparently mistaking the couple for someone from "the government" he
proceeded to explain how they (psychologists) are doing an excellent job
destroying the mental health of the people and making them easier to
control - by controlling education and mental health care with government
billions. He then noticed that the mouse was not cooperating with the
experiment, and
proceeded to repeatedly stab at it with his hunting knife - although the
actual stabbing was done outside of the screen. Presumably no mice were
hurt in the making of the movie.
|
Scientology has all the answers to handling life. |
Michael seemed to have some difficulty containing his laughter and this
point. I leaned over and whispered "I am going to have to hurt you,
Pinky!" - a reference to "Pink and the Brain", a cartoon about laboratory
mice out to take over the world. It is a credit to his self-control that he
did not collapse in uncontrollable paroxysms of laughter.
I fully realize that my narrative is too ridiculous to be true - and yet it
is true. If my reader doubts that what I am describing in the truth, I
would urge him to visit his local Church of Scientology. The entertainment
is well worth the money - as long as you do not sign up for any courses or
buy any of their books.
The film did not end there, of course. While sitting on a park bench
discussing their next move - and clearly losing hope for a satisfactory
answer - they are approached by a man in a suit who invites them to a free
lecture about Scientology. Needless to say, that that lecture they find
out that Scientology has all the answers to handling life.
The second film - "Orientation" - was just as interesting, although less
filled with obviously wacky stereotypes. It covered the structure and
organization of the Church of Scientology, and for some reason emphasized
the fact that all the different Scientology organization are legally
independent entities. I can not even being to speculate why they mentioned
this - it seems like just the thing to set off alarms. The film also
quoted a number of court decisions in different countries confirming that
Scientology is a bona fide religion - the message being apparently "nine
out of ten courts agree Scientology is a religion", and went on at great
length explaining how evil the government, in concert with psychiatrists,
is. It concluded by telling us that with Scientology, we can take control
of our lives for the next trillion years, and compared not taking up
Scientology with blowing your head off with a shotgun. (I am not making
any of this up.)
|
Patently ridiculous. |
That someone could take either of the films seriously is hard to imagine.
Yet we must presume that some do. Late night psychic infomercials make
more sense. Half-crazed Christian street preachers make more sense.
After the films were concluded we had the opportunity to ask questions. I
wanted clarification on the statement that one can be a Scientologist and
follow any other religion at the same time. "The Christian doctrine," I
said, "states that one can gain eternal life - effectively taking control
of ones life for the next trillion years or more - though belief in the
redemption through the death and suffering of Christ. Why would, say, a
Christian have any need for Scientology?"
The answers were interesting, although I use the word "answer" in a rather
loose sense, since my question was not actually meaningfully answered. I
was told that Scientology guarantees eternal life. But of course so does
Christian doctrine, and further according to it nothing else does. The
Scientologists were lying on the compatibility issue - the same can be said
of most religions and Scientology. Their explanation that Scientology is
compatible with Christianity because Christ is Truth, and so is Scientology
so they are pretty much the same - is patently ridiculous. If true, it
would also mean that Scientology is incompatible with religious that are
not compatible with Christianity.
They said that the only thing that they insist on is no drugs. I asked if
alcohol is a drug and they said yes. Could a Catholic partake of the Holy
Communion, then? Yes. Alcohol in moderation is OK. How about
Rastafarians? They did not know who the Rastafarians were, so I
explained to them that they smoke pot in their religious ceremonies. Then
they said that one could not be a Scientologist and a Rastafarian. Michael
asked if this applies to certain American Indian religious practices that
involve ingestion of peyote - would this be incompatible with Scientology.
Yes, it would be, we were told.
|
Hubbard did not know that the Piltdown Man was a fraud. |
In short, the claim that one can be a Scientologist and still practice
one's own religion is a lie. Not an evasion, not a half-truth, not an
exaggeration. It is a blatant, 100% lie, one of many blatant untruths at
their disposal.
I asked about clams. In specific, I told the gentleman we were talking
with - Martin - that I was reading the Internet newsgroup
alt.religion.scientology, and that it often referred to Scientologists as
"clams", using that word in a derogatory way. He explained that this may
have something to do with L. Ron Hubbard's book "The History of Man", which
explains humanity's evolution, which involved, at one stage, being clams.
I pointed out that this goes contrary to all established scientific
knowledge, since clams are not even vertebrates, and belong in a very
different branch of the evolutionary "tree". Martin's explanation was
extremely convenient - he meant spiritual, not necessarily physical
revolution. The reader should be aware that according to "The History of
Man", the Piltdown Man was also one of the stages in our evolution - and I
am not sure how evolution, whether physical or spiritual, could go through
a being that never existed - L.Ron Hubbard did not know that the Piltdown
Man was a fraud.
Then I wanted to know why Scientologists have secret scriptures that they
do not want the general public to have knowledge of. Martin explained that
some of that material is so much in advance of current scientific knowledge
that those insufficiently knowledgeable would just think its kooky. This
was one of the few things that Martin said that was neither a lie nor an
evasion. A member of the general public reading their secret scriptures
would indeed think that its entirely kooky - with good reason: it is
entirely kooky.
I then asked if it is true what I read on the Internet - that the
Scientologists believe that 75,000,000 years ago we were all placed in
volcanoes, at the behest of the Head of Galactic Federation Xenu - and
nuked. He said that its not. I then reached into my bag and produced a
printout of the OTIII materials, in L.Ron Hubbard's own handwriting. I
asked him if this was a forgery, and he said that it probably was. He
showed it to his associates, who confirmed what it was bogus, but one of
them seemed to react rather strongly to something that is merely forged
information about them - especially when Michael pulled out his printout of
the NOTs (New Era Dianetics for Operating Thetans). Much activity
followed on the part of one of the Scientologists present, which involved
looking up phone numbers and calling people. They - especially this one
lady who was never introduced - seemed rather disturbed.
|
My OT III was a forgery. |
Martin said that he is not actually going to look at the material, in case
its for real, in which case he should not be reading it - he was not up to
that level yet.
Next was the personality test. We decided in advance to try to score
perfectly, but our memory was not up to the task - our results were good
but not perfect. We were taken one by one to talk to someone about our
results. I ended up talking with a pretty young woman name Katherine.
She did not appear to have the self-confidence that the Scientologists
claim is one of the results of their training. If anything she had
something of a frightened little girl aspect. She told me that my high
score indicated that I was concealing some problems about from myself, and
Scientology training would help me to uncover it. You just can't win with
these people.
I asked her some questions. Was my OTIII printout a forgery? It was. Why
was the Church suing people for copyright infringement for possession of
this information? She did not know. She was not at that level. Would
anyone in their right mind believe in the Xenu and being nuked in volcanoes
thing? "No. But I don't know, I am not at that level." No straight
answer again, but she seemed very uncomfortable as a result of this line of
questioning. "What was the amount of damages in the lawsuit against Time
($500 million) based on?" She did not know - but she looked very
uncomfortable being asked all these questions.
How much does it cost to get become a Clear (a person with no reactive mind
- a completely mentally healthy individual)? "Its expensive - about
$15,000. But you really can't put a price on something like that."
|
Giving them my printouts. |
Up to this point the afternoon was fun, but faced with Catherine the fun
was quickly disappearing. She was trying her best - but that simply was
not nearly enough to answer my questions. The looked more like a scared
child then a crazed cultists - and I went there expecting to deal with the
latter. I had no heart to proceed with a thorough attack.
In retrospect, I should have known better - crazed cultists are less common
then merely lost souls. Deranged cultists can be fun. Mindless pathetic
dupes can not.
I did not press with further questions. I thanked her politely, told her
this was all very interested and that I will be sure to read "Dianetics".
She asked me if I was interested in a sample auditing session and I said
yes, and she said I could come in with my friend Craig next Saturday at 1 -
she will try to find another auditor. She also asked me for my phone
number - I gave a fictional one. She said that I would be called during
the week to confirm the appointment.
I went back to the front office, chatted with Craig as Michael went to
Katherine's office. Craig said that he is coming next Saturday for an
auditing session, and that he gave them his phone number - at this point he
winked. Martin asked if he could have the printouts - I gave him mine,
saying I have another copy (he did not look happy to hear that), but as to
other stuff, he'd have to ask my friend.
When Michael was done, he cheerfully agreed to hand over his printouts
also, saying he can always print out more. Martin did not look impressed
at that either. Through the tail end of this, more and more people - most
of them looking like more senior members of the organization - arrived,
many of them looking very unhappy. One of them, looking very serious,
headed immediately for the office labeled "Ethics Office". While we can
not be certain that our printouts were the cause of this, it seems likely,
given the frenzy of running around and phone calls they produced.
We did not provide our real names or phone numbers - given the information
we had about the Scientologists we did not want to have them know we had
OTIII and other secret material - while at the same time knowing our names
and phone numbers.
We thanked the Scientologists politely and left, heading again for the
Coffee Revolution.
|
OT III is not essential for discrediting Scientology. |
In retrospect, I should have given them my real name, and gone to the
auditing demonstration. Having decided to make this narrative available to
the public, I need to use my real name to provide the maximum credibility.
This would also allow me to provide a first hand account of auditing. For
those who are interested, but not interested enough for a personal visit to
a local Scientology org, I would highly recommend the video "Dianetics".
There is a good chance that your local library has it. In this video you
will see poorly understood and badly applied psychoanalysis used in
combination with the popular interrogation and brainwashing technique of
repeating the same question over and over and over again.
For the OTIII and NOTs fans I have to add that there is plenty of
anti-Scientology material even in their public offerings - material that
may have been underused. OTIII is not essential for discrediting
Scientology when we have "Orientation", "Dianetics" and mouse-stabbing
psychiatrists.
|