Recovering from the cult.
On 2 Jun 1997 05:18:27 -0700, firstname.lastname@example.org (Martin Hunt)
>Your post resonated in my heart as a fellow ex-scientologist, Moira.
Thank you... I have been blown away by how many of us there are and
how similar our experiences and resulting opinions / attitudes have
developed. I have also noticed that it takes a helluva long time to
get over the mental and emotional damage.
>Scientology strips people down to their basic personality, then
>builds them back up in the image of Ron. Leaving and sloughing
>off that overlaid personality left me with the same questions;
>who am I now? Before scn I was a quiet, shy, intellectual. In
>scn I became loud, abrasive, and stupid, with a false overconfidence.
>After scn, it's been a job to find out the real me, if there is such
>a person anymore. Scientology does rather dramatic things to its
>victims' personalities. Even my physical appearance changed, and
>my voice was altered from hundreds of hours of TRs. How much did
>I change? My family had trouble recognizing me; that's how much.
I can't say that my physical shape changed that much but my health was
badly damaged. In Edinburgh, 1983 I returned to the org to find that
more than ¾ of the staff had left, either to form and join 'squirrel
groups' or the Sea Org. The org had been a fairly busy place before I
left for LA to do the OEC & FEBC. (Admin Courses). Anyways, I was
expected to produce the same stats as the larger set up had produced.
Being the loyal person I was at the time, I used to work from 8:00am -
4:00am. I did that for about four months and then crashed and slept
for 72 hours straight.... Needless to say I was disciplined for being
off duty for that length of time. In coming out of the CofS I
remember really looking at myself in the mirror and seeing an awful
sight - badly sunken cheeks, seriously underweight, large black
rings under my eyes. I also had great difficulty in getting in touch
with the real world. People don't swear in normal conversation the
way it is in the CofS, and of course, all of the jargon I had become
used to had no meaning outside.
>Being human makes people susceptible to exterior control and being
>fed the truth. It's a function of being a member of a gregarious
>species. But you're right, scientology strips people to their
>souls and leaves them raw and naked, raped of mind and damaged
>on the deepest, ineffable spiritual level.
I know, it is a shame that we are not able to develop the ability to
listen to our inner voice much earlier in our development. I know
that my experience with the CofS has taught me a valuable lesson in
going with my gut reactions and not allowing anyone or anything to
dissuade me from it.
>I found keeping a journal helped with this, keeping a record of
>scientology terminology and Hubbard's sick and twisted ideas, then
>writing them off, so to speak. Bringing them up to the light for
>inspection helped to shed myself of them. Over time, this
>significantly reduced their intrusion into my thoughts.
You are right! In fact I should have thought of that myself, I have
gained great benefits from this practice in other past problem areas.
But I feel that in the beginning of my healing process, I felt very
alone, I had no-one who could understand what I had experienced -
least of all myself! I know that now I am very far on in my
re-discovery of myself and healing of wounds inflicted by Scn. and
this has been granted me by my communications on the ARS.
>His basic philosophy seems to have been "all men are my slaves".
>I think that his affirmations worked for him.
I agree. I believe in the book Madman or Messiah there is a
discussion of his involvement with Alistair Crowley and Black Magic
rites involving red headed women.
>They're a scary mob, particularly at the higher orgs. I believe
>they are capable of anything. They said this level of sick
>indoctrination gave higher-org returnees an "ethics presence"
>back from training, a kind of get-out-of-the-way, this-person-
>is-a-big-bad-dude thing back at the smaller org. Command intention.
>If Command Intention said "jump off a cliff", they'd do it. Picture
>the ST-TNG episode where an attempted colverd starburst kills a cadet
>and the group pressure applied to Wesley Crusher to keep silent, then
>magnify tenfold, and you have the kinds of psychological manipulation
>applied to scientology recruits by the organization. Wesley had a
>support system to help him get out of the bind, but those lost
>in the cult often do not, having forsaken all family and friends
>and being physically separated by a thousand miles from them, quite
>often, cut off from all except the loving arms of scientology.
Yeah, the other factor that makes it even scarer is that the upper
levels of management seems to attract power crazy people who just want
to have control over people to satisfy their own inflated egos.
>These drills are mindcontrolling. I blacked out, too; practically
>fell out of my chair and went temporarily blind. I also ended up
>with horrible wounds on my ass from sitting, unmoving, for some 100
>hours. My buttocks bones were slicing through my flesh on the hard
>wooden chairs; it wasn't a pretty sight. The chairs also did a
>number on my back, which never did recover.
>During bullbait, I got a clapper once, just like the film. TRs done
>the hard way at ASHO - it was living hell. I worry about walking
>into branches or other objects and being stabbed in the eye without
>blinking after the autonomous blinking response was removed. It's
>amazing the degree that the mind can control the body - after the
>mind itself has been placed under control.
I think that I have mentioned before that one of the main reasons that
I became involved in the CofS in the very first place was that I was a
very withdrawn, shy, quiet person with a very low level of self
esteem. While I did seem to gain confidence in the CofS and master
the ability to communicate (with lots of cussing too!!), I found that
it had absolutely no application in the real world. Outside I was
still that same person who had joined the CofS and had to develop my
own communication skills and grow my own self confidence and esteem.
I am happy to say that I was successful. However, I have to realize
that my Scn represent lost time in my personal development.
>There's many forms of word-clearing; that sounds like the primary
>rundown, M8 maybe. Later, it was removed as a requirement to
>become superlit, and only student hat and M1 and maybe one other
>item was required to become a fast flow student, as everyone on
>the HPCSC was required to do.
>Word clearing, despite hundreds of hours of almost all the methods,
>did absolutely nothing for me. I was a literate person with a high
>vocabulary going into scientology (probably why I was picked to become
>a sup; regging for staff posts was based on ability coming in, not
>ability attained from scientological processes or training), and no
>better when I left. I used to look up hundreds of words every day,
>but you know, people learn thousands of words from the time they
>are born to the time they die, and only a tiny fragment of these
>are learned via dictionaries. My son is learning thousands of words
>per year, sheerly via context - the natural way to pick up language.
>"The sun was setting. It was near the crepuscule, and the nocturnal
>animals were coming out of their lairs." See how easy it is? Another
>of Hubbard's lies. Never trust a total failure in his own education
>to teach about educational methods. Hubbard should have learned to
>do that which he took it on himself to preach.
It was actually M1 that I did and I agree with you - there was
absolutely no change in my vocabulary or intelligence.
>Writing in my journal brought me to the same conclusion, independent
>of any kind of therapy. Hubbard lied to me, and, via his minions,
>controlled me, stole a section of my life which cannot be recovered,
>manipulated me, and brainwashed me. I'm left holding the bag for
>his sick and twisted ideas about humanity and life in general. Hubbard
>was an evil man.
Very true, as I mentioned above, I have come to realize that this
whole experience left a gap in my life too. However, it does make you
enjoy what you have and hold dear now because you did it, by yourself!
>Take it from those who've been there, done that: don't try this at home,
Anyone thinking of getting involved must be educated in what it really
is before it is to late. In the very beginning when you first start
getting those red flags, its time to get out, if you don't you become
trapped and have to pay the price later, much later.
>It's our civic duty, Moira. Canucks are nothing if not socially