From: apuss@world.con (Andrew Puss) Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology Subject: ANOTHER SCIENTOLOGY RAID: SCIENTOLOGY! Followup-To: alt.religion.scientology Date: Tue, 22 Aug 1995 21:55:08 -0800 Organization: Clueless Habitat Lines: 91 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: ip-pdx6-13.teleport.com To all readers of alt.religion.scientology: I am (not) Andrew Milne. I have been commanded by Mistress Helena to write to you. She has told me of an important event in our Church that I am to relay to you, exactly as I have learned to do. She has also commanded me to tell you that if I perform this task well, I am to receive an extra dog biscuit this evening with dinner. If I do not do well, I must work with her to improve my attitude, through a process she calls repentent-posture flogging, or RPF. Today, the Offices of the Church of Scientology were raided by Federal Marshals, under the watchful eye of senior Scientology officials, four off-duty lawyers, a private investigator, and two clowns from a nearby traveling circus who were present to lend credibility to the raid. Apparently, having tired of attacking innocent U.S. citizens in possession of computer hardware and accounts on the Usenet, the Church has taken to violating its own inner sanctums. "This is about copyright terrorism," declared Kelena K. Kobra, one of the off-duty lawyers present at the raid. "This office is full of official Church scriptures, which are copyrighted trade secrets that are not only forgeries, but also do not exist. Possession of these documents by *anyone* with liquid assets less than $4 million is a felony." "This is just the tip of the iceberg," she added. "We have evidence that conclusively shows that many other Scientology offices possess these fictional forged trade secrets. At this point, we are seriously considering conspiracy charges." When questioned further about this, Kobra said nothing, instead looking wildly over her shoulders for no apparent reason. These latest actions are rumored to be part of an internal ethics campaign known as "Operation Foot Bullet." The operation, which allegedly involves butchering the Church's own internal structure, is designed to swell the membership ranks by engendering public sympathy towards the Church for its overwhelming ineptitude. Most Church officials present at today's raid denied that it was taking place though one official, when questioned, repeatedly bellowed, "ARS BIGOTS UNABLE TO EVALUATE DATA." The significance of this comment is still unknown. Commenting on the raid later, cult expert Jacob Jefferson said, "It's almost pathetic. If they weren't so dangerous, I might actually feel sorry for them this time. But stupid or not, they *do* continue to hurt and rob unsuspecting people." Other Scientology critics were not so generous. "They're a bunch of fucking loons," yelled an anonymous critic known only as "Hank". "They are pathetic liars, and they will sink beneath the waves of their own scum." Well, that's the end of what I have been commanded to post. You know, this actually makes Scientology look like a large organization run by total losers. Hmmm... *smack*! Ahh! Mistress Helena! What have I done to displease you? *smack* Yes! On my knees at once. Please, please help me improve! *smack* Ahh! Thank you! - -- This humorous interlude brought to you by, Troutman, Defender of Sticks troutman@teleport.com "The contents of the above message are satirical in nature. They in no way are intended to represent the speech, actions or opinions of any real person, stupid or otherwise. Hell, they may not even be *my* real opinions. But then, I may not be a real person, either. This electronic medium is *so* hard to rely on. Why,..." "Quit while you're ahead, Sticks..." - Richard D. Piskevinaugh