Operation Clambake present: National Lampoon - Diarrhetics (page 2)


Diarrhetics (di'eh ret'ics) n. A Structurstem [TM] wherein the mental Healthstatform [TM] of an unenlightened Droogworm [TM] is Judgmentationalized [TM] by a Superior Enlightened Olympian [TM] in an effort to reestablish the subject's Personhoodism [TM], health, and happiness, as well as to Screwgouge [TM] said patient of all personal Liquidassets [TM] that may stand in the way of his attaining the desired state of Empty [TM]. ***


Some Answers to Your Most Frequent Questions

Who invented Diarrhetics[TM]?

The father of Diarrhetics[TM] is Elron Hubbard, or "Captain Love Log," as he is lovingly referred to by thousands of nubile, subservient Suckbunnies[TM], Hosemonsters[TM], and Minionsluts[TM] around the globe.

We've Got Some Exciting Plans for You!!!

What, in the layman's basic Outsiderchaosmonger [TM] vocabulary, does all this mean? Well, it's simple, really.

As an individual lives his/her/OUR life, bad experiences collect in the psyche and emerge years later in the form of phobias, psychoses, physical illness, and, of course, a passion for accordion music.

For example, a child who was abandoned by vagrant parents in a White Castle restaurant and subsequently raped and gnawed by a pack of Doberman pinschers is likely to have a problem later in life with large hellhounds coated with the smell of rehydrated onions and a pink lipstick between their legs.

Through the scientific use of Technofoolery [TM], a trained and disciplined Diarrhetic [TM] Spongeminister [TM] can Empty [TM] you of all those long-buried upsets, assets, liquids, and Liquidassets [TM].

gazing out a window with the proper superior look on his fat face and
a fat ceegar to go with it. (It's not really LRH, but the captain's
hat makes him look pretty good!)

A brilliant author, scientist, and scholar, Elron first gained fame in the 1920s as the boy author of the hugely successful and controversial Can I Touch It? books for children of his own age group.

Fat, unhappy, bloated raw meat bursting at the seams...

Wizard waves a wand over said individual...

The bad stuff. Stuart felt like shit.

The he went to see a Diarrhetics[TM]. Spongeminister[TM].

Wizard picks mark's wallet while he's puking in the can...

Presto! A smug-faced, glazed-eyed clam emerges!

Purging your way to good health!!!

Stuart was made very nervous by his mortgage. This fear manifested itself in a series of illnesses and aberrations. By signing his mortgage over to us, Stuart was healed.

*** If you don't understand a word or phrase, please don't read on. Instead, mail $50.00 for our glossary of terms and stand on your head until it comes.

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